jag blickar framåt men lever i nuet

ville faktiskt skriva på svenska idag, hur underlit är inte detta? köpte en ny kjol, mötte min kusin på kaffe (hade skitkul - han är awesome) och var på gymmet (och i skolan, pff, men det var lamt). 

jap, där var det, orkar inte skriva mer än en positiv mening haha.

ibland vill man bara få höra hur mycket man betyder, bara för att bli påmind om att ens närvaro lyser upp någon annans vardag - läste det där på weheartit; passade verkligen för dagens fiilis ugh. 

är typ tillbaka i startrutan med hela livet just nu, vilket är lite synd, considering hur bra jag mådde förra sommaren. men tjaa, borde vel ha lärt mig, att what comes around goes around? sejjer ti migsjälv att jag har nog gått igenom värre saker, fastän de just nu känns som om mitt hela liv skulle vara i bitar, igen.

såååå överlycklig över att få bo i Lahtis (o att slippa hela finland för några dagar snart!) 

lite trött på situationen, men som man bäddar får man ligga.

You'll be my kerosene and I will be your fire

The caption is from my favourite song Kerosene by The Exchange; been listening to that song like nonstop for the past few days. Btw, not sure whether I should write in English, Swedish or Finnish. I'm probz gonna write in all those languages, but for now, I'm going to stick with English wohoo.. although my English isn't good.

Something has been on my mind for a while now. It's how things change. Go back a year or two, and imagine; could you visualise your life as it is now? Could you imagine yourself as you are now?

Someone asked me, when I was about twelve or thirteen; "do you think people talk crap about you behind your back?". I answered "no" almost instantly. You see, I didn't really think there was anything bad to talk about me. Naive maybe, but that's what I honestly thought.

Ask me that question again now, five years later, and the answer will be "of course". Of course people talk shit about me behind my back. I'm pretty sure there is more bad than good to talk about in me anyway. 

A couple days ago I googled some random questions with my friends - it was late and we were kinda bored - and one of the questions was "who is the evil one in the room?" and my friends said that I'm the evil one. They were partly joking of course, but still, now I can't get that out of my head. Am I really that bad? What the hell happened to me? When did I become so impassive and hurtful? 

And I do agree with them; I'm not a nice person. I'm not proud of who I am right now; I'm not the person I'd like to be. I wish I could be different, but I'm not sure how to change. 

I'm just wondering, when did this happend? I mean, I used to be a happy, kind person, and people used to have fun with me and laugh with me (or at me, ooops). Now I guess it's kinda depressing to be around me; I'm not so positive anymore. I see differently now. I have my own will, my own voice, my own knowledge. Still figuring out if it's a good thing or not; I'm more happy with myself, but others see me as a bad person? It's a part of growing up, I suppose: learning that you can't please everyone no matter how hard you'd want to. Still, I wish I was as good as I used to be.

Pouring my heart out haha, but sometimes I just like to write about these kinda things. Anyway, today I've been chilling (plus school and gym) and seeking for a job for this summer. Btw I have a job interview someday soon, so wish me luck in advance woopwoop

Deadly

I took these pictures of my beautiful friend Cecilia in Helsinki like a week ago... It was bloody freezing & we were kinda lost, until we found this cool masquerade shop where we bought a really rad mask & went to a random courtyard & listened to Lorde & photographed. It was kinda magical, but cold ofc, haha. 

Although this has been a nice week with loads of highlights (like seeing backstreet boys! and meeting up with some very special friends the very next day for some coffee) - I still have to admit; it's been really.. erhm, emotional ? I've been stressed and hurt. At least for the past 24 hours. 

You know that feeling you get, when you see something that just breaks your heart? Something, that makes your heart cry blood and eyes see everything blurry? When it just hurts so so much, and the worst part is; there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Yeah.. I feel numb.

I hate to admit it to myself, but this is the one thing that makes me regret going to England. The only thing I've ever been really afraid of loosing. 

Now I'm just watching The walking dead (big shocker, ey?) and kinda listening to my new favourite band The Exchange at the same time. And thinking. Sigh.